Lite engelskalektion! - Forum

sockerconny

#1 - 15 februari 2005 13:48

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

smurfmats

#2 - 15 februari 2005 13:59

hahaha!!! den var riktig bra :D

Solen

#3 - 15 februari 2005 16:17

*asg*

Gud bevare Tsaren

#4 - 15 februari 2005 17:33

Hmm...

join4t

#5 - 15 februari 2005 18:15

Ni vet väl att många barn surfar på zoopet?

Joacim

#6 - 15 februari 2005 18:30

Kul historia :)
Men jag blev ändå mer full i skratt av fröken join4t's kommentar. Tror du verkligen att de barn som överhuvudtaget kopplar skämtet tar skada av det eller är det något du, i egenskap av självpåtaget moraliskt ombud, känner att du måste vända dig emot?

/J

join4t

#7 - 15 februari 2005 18:38

Både och på sätt och vis Joacim.
Jag skulle då inte dra såna skämt för mina småsyskon (eller för mina egna barn om jag hade några)

sockerconny

#8 - 15 februari 2005 19:00

[QUOTE=join4t]Ni vet väl att många barn surfar på zoopet?[/QUOTE]

Utveckla vad du menar med "barn" är du snäll? (Se också frågeställningen nedan!)

Både och på sätt och vis Joacim.

Jag skulle då inte dra såna skämt för mina småsyskon (eller för mina egna barn om jag hade några)

Jag skulle inte heller dra detta skämt för mina barn, mest på grund av att dom troligtvis inte kommer att fatta skämtet före år 2010!;)
Då kommer vi till min (kanske inte helt relevanta) följdfråga: När blir barn ungdomar?

Ha en bra kväll, jag kanske kastar in en till engelsk historia imorgon!
Någon annan kanske oxå har någon på lut????:)

join4t

#9 - 15 februari 2005 19:25

Alla har sin egen (omedvetna?) definition på barn så jag förstår inte vitsen i att just jag skulle utveckla min!?
För att ändå svara på din fråga så tycker jag att 12-13 åringar är barn (enligt svensk lag upp till 16-18 vilket väl ibland stämmer, kanske tom skulle kunna sättas vid 18-döden i vissa fall...)
För övrigt har dom flesta yngre människor en utmärkt förmåga att förstå engelska såvida de inte skolkat från lektionerna och aldrig ser på film =)

Morellen

#10 - 15 februari 2005 19:42

[QUOTE=join4t]För att ändå svara på din fråga så tycker jag att 12-13 åringar är barn (enligt svensk lag upp till 16-18 vilket väl ibland stämmer, kanske tom skulle kunna sättas vid 18-döden i vissa fall...)
För övrigt har dom flesta yngre människor en utmärkt förmåga att förstå engelska såvida de inte skolkat från lektionerna och aldrig ser på film =)[/QUOTE]

Fast å andra sidan; har de tagit sig igenom texten OCH snappat poängen har de grunderna till en god läsförståelse... Det är inte direkt den typ av text man får i läroboken
OCH vid 12 års ålder tyckte man (eller för att undvika generaliseringar tyckte jag) att det var väääääääldigt spännande med historier som hade barnförbjuden poäng och det var en höjdare om man lärde sig nån ny - ju taffligare desto bättre (den här hade jag nog inte fattat - jag var visst rätt naiv *s*)

Sedan kan jag tycka att man borde hålla historierna samlade i en tråd istället för att alltid starta nya. Då är det lättare att undvika den om man inte är intresserad och lättare att hitta om man ÄR intresserad.

join4t

#11 - 15 februari 2005 20:20

Det där med att samla historierna under en tråd kanske skulle vara en bra ide. Namnet på denna tråd gjorde ju en nyfiken. Jag skulle förhoppningsvis kunna hålla mig ifrån en sådan tråd. Problemet är väl att jag skulle kunna missa många roligheter som jag skulle uppskatta... hmm Kanske skulle behövas en tråd för anspelningar på sex och kvinno/mans"förnedring" m.m. och en med skämt utan sådant.

smurfmats

#12 - 15 februari 2005 20:21

[QUOTE=Morellen]

Sedan kan jag tycka att man borde hålla historierna samlade i en tråd istället för att alldig starta nya. Då är det lättare att undvika den om man inte är intresserad och lättare att hitta om man ÄR intresserad.[/QUOTE]

det håller jag med om!! en humortåt skulle underlätta och få ner antalet tåtar...

Red Cloud

#13 - 15 februari 2005 22:01

De barn som är "för unga" skulle inte förstå ett sådant skämt, speciellt inte skrivet på engelska.

Zybeer

#14 - 15 februari 2005 23:42

Rätt skoj faktiskt. Drog på munnen rejält

MVH
/Jens

sockerconny

#15 - 16 februari 2005 06:33

De barn som är "för unga" skulle inte förstå ett sådant skämt, speciellt inte skrivet på engelska.

My point exactly!

[QUOTE=Morellen]Sedan kan jag tycka att man borde hålla historierna samlade i en tråd istället för att alltid starta nya. Då är det lättare att undvika den om man inte är intresserad och lättare att hitta om man ÄR intresserad.[/QUOTE]
Då tar vi en till på engelska i denna tråd.

Ni vet väl att många barn surfar på zoopet?

Då tar vi en barnvänligare(?) historia;) :

[font=Arial]A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the shore, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to get a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says "Fuuuuuuuuck! Duuuude!.......How much water did you drink?!!" [/font]

heljis

#16 - 16 februari 2005 09:44

Hahahaha :D :D Båda var kanonbra.

mohlin

#17 - 16 februari 2005 09:51

Det var ingen tillfällighet att det var en "beaver" han sköt, men det vet ni kanske redan ...
Nu blidde det nog ännu mer barnförbjudet ;-)

Gimbo

#18 - 16 februari 2005 09:51

Jobbigt att det alltid ska bli sånt mothugg så fort det är något. Kanonkul historia. Inte för att jag tror att jag skulle ta illa upp i min uppväxt om jag var 10-12år gammal (om jag nu hade förstått den över huvud taget) :D

Det var en kul historia :) Danke!

Marie J

#19 - 16 februari 2005 11:10

[QUOTE=Gimbo]Jobbigt att det alltid ska bli sånt mothugg så fort det är något. Kanonkul historia. Inte för att jag tror att jag skulle ta illa upp i min uppväxt om jag var 10-12år gammal (om jag nu hade förstått den över huvud taget) :D

Det var en kul historia :) Danke![/QUOTE]Jag håller med Gimbo att det är tråkigt med de tråkiga kommentarer som kommer i alla komiska skämttrådar från vissa. Jag själv fick nästan kramp i magen av skämten.

Jag måste vara en väldigt dålig;) mor enligt vissa här för mina barn får läsa detta och har fått gjort det i flera år. När de var yngre så var det dom och inte jag siom hade de värsta sms-skämten, det var så att jag tappa andan när jag läste dom. *s*

Jag säger bara det;

Tack alla som slänger in lite roliga skämt i detta annars så allvarliga liv som vi flesta har. Kul att vissa här är lättroade som jag.

jarinen

#20 - 16 februari 2005 15:15

Kanonskämt!! Men synd att de lättsamma skämten tas ut så att säga när man läser nästa inlägg och någon moraliserar. Jaja , samhällsproblemens relevans ter sig olika för oss alla. En del har alldeles för lite att engagera sig i och gör ett problem av minsta möjliga.

Mvh Jari

Marie J

#21 - 17 februari 2005 00:35

Jag tror du har helt rätt.

Gimbo

#22 - 17 februari 2005 00:38

Klart att det är rätt... :)

sockerconny

#23 - 17 februari 2005 06:32

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K.,Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Marie J

#24 - 17 februari 2005 07:11

*asg* Det slutet hade jag inte räknat med!

heljis

#25 - 17 februari 2005 07:35

Hähä :)

Den var dock inte lika bra som den om ödlan och krockodilen :D

jarinen

#26 - 17 februari 2005 08:56

Den sista var klart bra! Hihihohohahaha!

Mvh Jari

sockerconny

#27 - 23 mars 2005 09:50

A man and his wife go to bed on their wedding anniversary, he whispers to her, Can we try something kinky tonight? She turns to look at him and asks, What do you have in mind? He says Can I put my cock in your ear? She replied But it might make me go deaf, her husband said Well Ive been coming in your mouth for the last 20 years and it hasnt stopped you talking!

Poseidon

#28 - 23 mars 2005 10:51

Hahahhahahahahahhahahah...No shit....hahahahaahaa

Raven

#29 - 26 mars 2005 02:11

ASGARV dom va bra.

kan förstå den/dom som inte tycker att såna här historier ska skrivas pga barn men barn kanske kan ordens betydelse men se meningarnas betydelser är svårare.
sen om en 12-13 åring läser det och förstår spelar det nån roll ?

kolla bara på reklam som går hela dagarna i tv reklampelare bussar tvprogram filmer....för att inte tala om dataspel som oftast våldsmässigt och oftare än många tror sexuellt värre än både filmer tv-serier och reklam.

det som finns där är mycket "värre" än nåt jag sett skrivet härinne.

HazelCR

#30 - 26 mars 2005 06:25

hmmm, ödlehistorien och ett visst nickname ger vissa associationer. Kanske även valet av nickname skall granskas?
Jag reagerade iaf på nicket första gången jag läste det.
Om man släpper fram sina barn till internet, så är dessa historier ganska oskyldiga i jämförelse mot vad som kan hittas på nätet.
Keep on joking!

Marie J

#31 - 26 mars 2005 08:35

Underbar historia sockerconny!

Keep on joking!

sockerconny

#32 - 26 mars 2005 14:36

(En liten variant på en Marie J-historia...)

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.

"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

sockerconny

#33 - 23 maj 2005 06:06

Golf with the Wife

[font=Arial][color=#008000][font=Arial][color=#008000]A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that!"

[/color][/font][/color][/font]

sukito

#34 - 23 maj 2005 15:38

LOL [:-92]

gizman

#35 - 23 maj 2005 15:52

Kan bara säga att de var underbara allihopa :D

Tastyfish

#36 - 23 maj 2005 16:05

skitbra skämt conny ;)

sockerconny

#37 - 26 maj 2005 07:21

[font=Arial][size=2][color=#000080]A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[/color][/size][/font]

sockerconny

#38 - 28 juni 2005 06:33

Florida or the moon.....

[font=Arial]Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????":) [/font]

sockerconny

#39 - 28 juni 2005 06:37

Hell....

[font=Arial][size=2][font=Arial]one[/font][/size][/font][font=Arial][size=2][font=Arial] day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays." [/font][/size][/font]

Marie J

#40 - 28 juni 2005 07:34

[QUOTE=sockerconny][font=Arial][size=2][font=Arial]Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays." [/font][/size][/font][/QUOTE]
Very funny!

sukito

#41 - 28 juni 2005 13:21

[:-92] [:-93] [:-92] [:-93] [:-92]

Raven

#42 - 28 juni 2005 15:21

[QUOTE=Marie J][QUOTE=sockerconny][font=Arial][size=2][font=Arial]Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays." [/font][/size][/font][/QUOTE]
Very funny![/QUOTE]

indeed funny

cassiopeia

#43 - 28 juni 2005 15:52

hört några av dem tidigare, men oj vad jag skrattade!

sockerconny

#44 - 4 juli 2005 11:45

Ooops..!!!

[size=2]Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe.
Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says: "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Being completely nude, she purrs at him: "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out: "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They're full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they're firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming................that was me."[/size]

sockerconny

#45 - 4 juli 2005 11:49

Queen of England

[size=2]The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God," said the Queen, "That's disgraceful! What is the meaning of this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains,
"I am sorry your grace, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor:
"Same problem, better insurance..."[/size]

Marie J

#46 - 4 juli 2005 11:54

Very funny!

sockerconny

#47 - 4 juli 2005 11:56

....indeed??!! :D;)

sockerconny

#48 - 6 juli 2005 05:55

My girlfriend and me

[size=2]I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome.
So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.

I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugging me he said:
We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.[/size]
:D :D :D

Marie J

#49 - 6 juli 2005 09:16

Smart parents!

cri

#50 - 6 juli 2005 11:11

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car....

- excellent....!

sockerconny

#51 - 23 augusti 2005 09:13

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage"

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door.
"I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari

sockerconny

#52 - 5 september 2005 08:36

Bailey's & Lime

[size=2]Girl & her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy a round, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.

Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.

First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth. Then he takes the lime juice.

T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice.
T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.
T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear....

"It's called Blowjob revenge"[/size]
:eek: :D

Anne Grete

#53 - 8 september 2005 07:40

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed a new man in her life & placed a personal ad that read :

"Rich widow looking for a man to share life and fortune with. Must have the following qualifications :

1) Won't beat me up
2) Won't run away
3) Has to be great in bed"

For several months her phone rang off the hook, the doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mails..... - all to none avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door - and found a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed she asked : "Who are you - and what do you want ?"

"Hi", said the man. "Your search is over - I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up. And I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The rich widow asked : " But what makes you think you're so great in bed ?"

To which he replied : "I rang the doorbell, didn't I ?"

vance

#54 - 21 september 2005 20:05

Dom e ju klockers allihopa sockerconny, har du inga fler?

Bilagor:

gladys

#55 - 21 september 2005 20:18

Anne grete: den va jättebra!! :D
Bailey´s och lime, också jättebra!!! Tror jag ska utsätta ngn för det där, hehe

sockerconny

#56 - 26 september 2005 09:05

Brazilian Soldiers

[font=Arial][size=1][color=#008000][color=black][/color]
[font=Arial][size=1][color=#008000]
[size=3]I was sitting next to a blonde and she was reading the newspaper. I glanced over and one of the headlines read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed". [/size]

[size=3]She was shaking her head at the news. She turned to me and asked "How many is a Brazilian?"[/size]

[/color][/size][/font]:D :D :D
[/color][/size][/font]

Raven

#57 - 27 september 2005 02:43

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new
Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called....

"Pre-dick-a-mints."

jolon

#58 - 4 oktober 2005 14:12

Kanske inte fräck på det vedertagna sättet men gravt kul :

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

(This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!) This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes. This is the actual answering machine message for the school:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0

* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, classwork, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

sockerconny

#59 - 24 oktober 2005 09:56

Engelsk tungvrickning!!/Sex laxar, släng dig i väggen!!!

[font=Times New Roman]Säg detta fort:
"Tre häxor tittar på tre Swatch klockor. Vilken häxa tittar på vilken Swatch klocka?"

Och nu det hela på engelska....
"Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watch which Swatch watch?"

Och nu för de som vill gå fortsättningskursen...
"Tre könsopererade häxor tittar på tre Swatch klockknappar. Vilken könsopererad häxa tittar på vilken Swatch klockknapp?"

Och nu det hela på engelska....
"Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watch which Swatch watch switch."
[/font]

Raven

#60 - 25 oktober 2005 00:09

AAJJJ tror ja bröt tungan haha

sockerconny

#61 - 8 april 2006 14:10

I´ve never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don´t listen, they don´t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that woman hate in a man, they love in a cat...
:)

sockerconny

#62 - 8 april 2006 14:20

A country lad comes to the big city. He sits down at the bar ande sees a real beuty sitting at the other end.
He tells the bartender to get a drink for her.

-"Don´t bother dude, she´s a lesbian."

-"I don´t care!" says the lad, "Gimme the drink and I´ll take it over myself....."

So the lad slides up and sits down next to the lady and says:

-"So babe, what part of Lesbia are you from..??"

:D

sockerconny

#63 - 14 april 2006 09:31

7 vocabulary differences between men and women:

1) THINGY (thing-ee)
Female: Any part under a car´s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman´s bra.

2) VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel)
Female: Fully opening up one´s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

3) COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one´s partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4) COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5) FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

6) ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment)
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

7) MAKING LOVE (may-king luv)
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it!

sockerconny

#64 - 14 april 2006 11:06

After God had created man he stepped back and admired his work:
-"Look at this perfect physique, the strong but yet handsome features, the well balanced proportions. I have to say, I am in awe with myself!"

Then he turned and looked at the woman. After he had been studying her for a while he said:
-"Well, i guess you will have to wear make-up...."

:D :D :D

sockerconny

#65 - 21 augusti 2006 16:31

Sleeping Arrangements

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the
initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in
the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth. In the middle of the
night,the man leans over, gently wakes the woman
and says, "Im sorry to bother you, but Im awfully cold, and I was
wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better
idea. Just for tonight lets pretend that were married."
The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"
The woman says: "GOOD. Get your own fuc*king blanket."

sockerconny

#66 - 21 augusti 2006 16:32

Five Germans

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
"Its illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean its illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly.
"Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro meansa four. You have fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily,
"You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he canta come.
Hesa busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

vance

#67 - 21 augusti 2006 20:34

Hehe, schysst att du e tillbaka med lite nya engelska historier!

sockerconny

#68 - 22 augusti 2006 18:45

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the
different kind of boobs?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be
normal if we didn't....there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a
woman's age--
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In er
thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit

After fifty, they are like onions." Onions, Dad?"
Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of
penises are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man
goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an
oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A
Christmas tree?"

Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."

sockerconny

#69 - 22 augusti 2006 18:49

Retirement

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small
commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45 years.

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work.

At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars.

At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered.
She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.

The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, "I've had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?"

The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said 'fuck him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea."

sockerconny

#70 - 22 augusti 2006 18:49

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

sockerconny

#71 - 22 augusti 2006 18:51

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a
confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

:D :D :D

sockerconny

#72 - 22 augusti 2006 19:00

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet
$50 that no-one here has a musical instrument that this
octopus can't play.
"The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar.
The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings
and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets
the fifty bucks.
Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn,
loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a
jazz solo.The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the
octopus's owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out
back coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts it on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus,
"Now,if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred
dollars."
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up,
turns it over, has another look from another angle.
Puzzled, the octopus'owner comes up and says "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"
The octopus says "Play it? If I can work out how to get its
pyjamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"

:D

sockerconny

#73 - 22 augusti 2006 19:07

Actual ad in New York Post!!

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything.

:D :D :D :D